Here is a story, a story of a woman that lost her purpose and identity as a mother, and struggled with menopause.
THE STORY OF BETRAYAL:
There is so much to tell, I'm emotional and don't know how to start, so I will tell you step by step how I feel it.
I know that for men, menopause is not an excuse. Men have steady hormonal levels, women hormonal levels are in constant variation each month. Men cannot understand what it can do to us and they cannot see what a violent hormonal drop during menopause will do to a woman. For me, having an empty nest and a menopause at the same time, was like having depression. It leads me to infidelity.
Me and my husband met in college and got married just after graduation, I was only 24 and he was almost 26. I have just turned fifty this year, my husband is now 52 which means we have been together for the last 28 years, married for 26. We have four boys, 25, 23, 20 and 19. None of them live with us now, the youngest left for college last year.
At first we were living in my parent's basement. We live there rent free, obviously this helps us a lot financially. We loved ourselves deeply, but we didn't have much at the time. We worked hard, saved for a down payment for a house within a year, and built ourselves over the following years. We have wonderful children, a good marriage, good jobs, and a nice house. We still love each other deeply after all that time.
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Last year, when my youngest left for college l felt empty, without a purpose. I was not a mother anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was proud of my sons and of our accomplishment as parents, but I was feeling lost, with no direction as if I was fired, my services as a mother were no longer required.
At the same time, menopause symptoms manifested at full speed. Loss of sleep, hot flashes, night sweats and weight gain. I was particularly devastated by the weight gain. I never had any weight problem before; even after 4 pregnancies I was maintaining my ideal weight. But in the last year or so, I put on 20 to 25 pounds, which gave me self esteem problems. I didn't feel desirable and pretty anymore.
supportive Husband:
My husband was supportive, saying that the excess weight fit me well, that I am as beautiful as ever. He said not to worry; I will always be beautiful for him. He said that he loved me for who I am not for how I look. He suggested that we can get in shape together, do some jogging or sign up for a gym.
It was a great idea and helps a lot. We sign up together at a gym near our home and start training 4 or 5 days a week at 6 AM. My husband's physique improved drastically over the first month, mine not so fast. Well, he was pushing himself more than me and he was in decent shape before training. Still, I managed to lose some weight, almost 10 pounds. My confidence increased, my menopause symptoms almost vanished. I was on the right path.
In the second month of training, my husband proposed that we switch to evening sessions. He said that due to his work schedule it will be easier for him, but for me it didn't work so well. So he switches to evening training, while I stick to the morning.
That's when I started talking to some of the ladies out there. They were three of them, training in the morning at about the same time as me and my husband.
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They were about my age, two were divorce one separated. They have seen me training with my husband and thought we were a fine couple. In fact, my husband made quite an impression on them, they said that most men in their fifties let themselves go, neglecting their body and their clothes, my husband was the opposite, with a well toned body, nice workout clothes and sharp suit. I told them that my husband is like that, when he is with me, he always makes an effort to look his best. He used to say that coworkers and strangers at work get to see him at his best with a suit, his wife deserved to see him at his best at home in casual clothes.
While they complimented me for my good taste in men saying that I am lucky, I felt a little uneasy. I didn't know it at the time, but I think they were a little envious of me.
I am sure of something, I occasionally exchange small talks here and there with them before, but my husband never has a conversation with any of them. So no reason to get suspicious.
Anyway, now that I was training alone, I was always with them. We became close and I changed my work schedule to be able to have an occasional coffee with them after training. I was a little guilty for doing that, realising that it was not fair; I could have done the same to train with my husband in the evening. I rationalised that it was not so bad, it changed nothing for him, he trained after work, went to our house right after and I was already there starting the meal preparation.
Training and Affair:
Four month after starting training, I was back at my ideal weight. I was glowing with pride, my new friends not so. They still have some extra weight. That's when they pushed me to enter a yoga course two times a week with them. They said that it was just after our regular training, so if we skip coffee on those 2 days, there will be no impact on our schedule. I said ok, we could try to see if we like that.
The yoga class was good for my flexibility and helped me relax. All participants were women, there were some in their 50th like us, maybe two older and four in their 20th, but most were in their 30th. We had a male instructor, he was in his early 40th, but still had something of a juvenile attitude, we can call that some young men vibe. I found it cute and refreshing at first.
After the classes, I mostly hung out with my new friends, but the instructor started coming to talk with us. And he started to come early before classes to chat with us. After some time, he was talking to me mainly, and the {innocent flirting started}.
I will be honest, I could have stopped it right there, but I was thrilled that he chose me over a room full of women. It was innocent at first and my friends encouraged me to push things forward to see where it will lead us. I was playing with fire, but I figure that I have everything under control. I loved my husband and didn't have any desire to be with any other man, especially that one. He was less masculine, shorter and less attractive than my man.
Well, things progressed over the next two weeks, from talking, to innocent flirting to heavy flirting; to a one time fling to a very short affair. We generally meet when we don't have yoga and I was skipping weight training on those days.
Let me get this straight, it was a very short affair, 3 or 4 weeks maximum. I had no feelings for this man, it was therapeutic and he was just feeding my needs for validation and a boost for my self-esteem, so I could be a better wife for my husband.
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Around 3 weeks into the affair, I noticed that my husband was acting strange. He was distant, more irritable and he had stopped initiating any lovemaking in the previous two weeks, which is unusual for him, and he did not show any sign of affection.
This behaviour continued on the next week, I panicked, thinking he was moving on in his head. So I ended things with my AP, said it was a mistake and we should never have crossed the line. Then, I changed my schedule to train with my husband in the evening.
I was determined in winning back his love. I cooked his favoured meal, dressed better for him and tried myself at initiating love making. Most of the time, he had an excuse why he didn't want to do it, too tired, too much stress at work or just not in the mood.
At one point I break out crying and ask if he still loves me.
-Don't be silly, he responded, you are my wife, I have loved you for the last 28 years.
I almost asked ''How about the last six weeks''? But I kept silent. Still, we were intimate on that night and that was a big relief for me. It was the first time in six weeks, but unfortunately he returned to the same pattern after. Well almost the same pattern, every time I initiate, he complies, but I can feel he is going through the motion.
At that point, I was thinking that he was having an affair, but I could not have any confirmation. He was leaving home a little early, but I followed him twice and he went straight to his office. In the evening he could do nothing, I was still training with him. A small red flag, he was there initially on the 5 working days of the week, but he changed to 3 week days and 2 days on weekends. On weekends, I could not train with him, so he might take that occasion to cheat.
I went through his phone while he was sleeping, but could not find anything, but I remember that he was texting during the day, and there was no trace of his tread. He must have deleted his texts.
Using Son as Helper:
The next day, while I was at work, I called my oldest son; he is in IT and can surely know how to retrieve deleted texts. I didn't want to give him the full picture, so I mostly talked about family matters and asked him on the side, that I need to retrieve old text and EMail that I have deleted by error. He responded that all texts and mail are linked to my computer and automatically saved on the cloud. He added that it is very simple to retrieve them, unless we have specifically deleted them on the cloud also. He told me how to proceed and told me that all our phones and computers are linked to the cloud, and we should be able to retrieve any deleted file from any source. I thanked him and immediately changed the subject, asking him if he wanted to come this weekend with his girlfriend. I made him believe that the main reason for my call was for that, I didn't want him to have any suspicion.
I left work early to log on to my computer to recover the deleted files. I saw multiple emails, texts and calls between my husband and some woman. She does not seem to be working with him, she might be a client or something, but they definitely have an affair. There were flirty texts at first, dirty texting and nude sharing after.
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He had been screwing that bimbo multiple times for weeks, which explains his lack of interest in the bedroom, but what really broke me was that he told her that he knew of my cheating for weeks and he didn't care. He also told her that I did not care about him or the marriage for years and he did not have any love for me left. In another mail he told her that my cheating opened his eyes and motivated him to ask her out. He continued by saying that he loved her and will be with her when his marriage collapses.
My heart was broken, shredded to pieces. I was alone in my home, crying for the next hour, still reading all the messages they sent to each other, looking at their disgusting photos. By the timestamp of their affair, it started two week after I started my own affairs, which means he knew from the very start.
Wife's Replacement:
So why didn't he confront me immediately? Why didn't he fight for me, for our marriage? If he truly loved me he would have at least tried, instead he went on like life is OK and F* a little whore.
She's younger than me, looked like she might be around 34-35. But she dressed like a prostitute and got a teenage boy. Honestly, I am prettier, slimmer and have more class than her. She was run over by multiple men, I can see that from the pictures. She doesn't love my man, she only wants a provider and a father for her son.
I can't believe my husband was so naive and gullible to fall for some cheap sex and a faked romance.
I was still crying, sitting in my kitchen. I was wondering what I should do. Confronting him will lead to a big confrontation. He will bring up my affair, which will lead us directly to the dissolution of the marriage.
I have decided to let his infatuation with that little bitch run its course and be the perfect wife in the meantime. The fact that I have cheated and he had done the same, should even the score and help us to move forward.
I convince myself that it should be the path to take if I want to save us. It is the way, the only way; I could not stay like this crying and waiting for the sentence to fall. If my husband won't do it, I will be the one fighting for us, I will not let the marriage disintegrate, no way I gonna let 28 years go down the drain without a fight.
Attempt to save the marriage:
I took a shower, put on makeup and my sexy red dress that he likes. Had to act fast, my husband should be home in a couple of hours. So I went to an Italian bakery and took a nice tiramisu cake, next I order take out from a fine French restaurant we used to go a while ago, and while they were preparing my order, I went to a speciality wine shop across the corner, to get us two bottles of sparkling wine. On my return at the French restaurant, I ordered some appetizers in extra, oyster cyoppino and bacon wrapped garlic scallops. I went home, put the wine in the freezer and took the time to curl my hair.
Everything was ready, my hair was done, make-up on, dress perfect, I looked stunning. The table was set, took the wine out of the freezer in an ice bucket, the food smelled good. When my husband opened the door, I was sitting sexy on the couch, with the wine and two glasses waiting. I got up, gave him a long and sensual kiss, poured us two glasses of wine and kissed him again. I can see that he was not expecting a welcome home like that, but seems very pleased.
That night we reconnected, talked a lot and made love. It was real love making, this time he was into it. I didn't talk about the infidelities, but I was on the right path. I will let his affair play out and make his life enjoyable to prove that I am the better option for him.
We made progress during the next week, but I could see that he was not 100% with me. According to his messages (I am still monitoring them by the way), he cancelled some date with that little tramp, which infuriated her and gave me a lot of satisfaction, but he did not break up with her yet.
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The week after I had enough and I confronted my husband right when he arrived home. I told him that I knew he was unfaithful for weeks. I show him the text messages, photos and mail I got.
He did not tried to denied and asked if I knew from the start
-Yes, I responded and I know you knew about my affair from the start also.
We talked and talked a lot, and cried a little. We didn't go to work the next day and kept on talking.
For the next two weeks, we were doing some online therapy, It helped us a lot, better communication, better understanding of each other and some hints to heal our wounds. We were making progress, I was feeling that we were reclaiming our love, but my husband was f_ing that bimbo from time to time.
He told me that I must give him time because he doesn’t know what to do. He had feelings for his girlfriend and cannot break up with her yet. He said that he is not the type to f around; he must have a connection with a woman to be intimate with her. He continued by saying that his girlfriend is a good woman and had raised her boy alone with the help of her parents.
She is 31 and her son is 14, which means she had him at 17 while still in high school. The father, a boy from her school, vanished before the birth of the baby. She had told my husband that she had only been with that boy, nobody else. She was radioactive been pregnant at 16, and was in survival mode during the years after, so she didn’t have time for dating and was not dating material anyway.
Now she’s had it a little easier, her kid is older and she makes good money working as a waitress and barmaid at the restaurant my husband and his coworkers frequently visit during the day.
My husband made it clear that if I forced him to choose, he will understand, but will choose her. For him, I was the cause of this situationand should be the one to suffer. If I had stayed fateful, he would never have asked her out. Now, he will make the best of a bad situation and make sure that I and she will not feel left out.
He is with her Sunday and Monday, with me Friday and Saturday. The remaining day of the week is for him to manage as he sees fit.
My menopause and emptiness crisis end up costing me a lot. I don't know if I can share my man like that for long. I don’t see if we will be able to heal and move forward, or if it will be the end for us.
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